How to Say No

Some people seem to be born with the ability to just say “no” to anything. But some of us have trouble setting boundaries. We may feel as though we aren’t entitled to or aren’t allowed to say no. Sometimes it seems like we need to have strong justifications on hand. It’s possible that we feel compelled to put other people’s feelings ahead of our own.

Life-changing is a new way of thinking about boundaries. On the negative side, you’ll discover that your lack of limits may have actually caused harm to both you and others. On the plus side, once you begin using these words, you’ll realize that saying “no” to one thing actually means saying “yes” to another — whether that other thing is having more free time, enjoying some healthy isolation, engaging in an activity you truly enjoy, or simply asserting your independence.

I did whatever people requested before I started using these expressions, to the point where I lost touch with what I truly desired. I didn’t really understand my anguish until I was already there. I agreed to extra work assignments that I didn’t need to complete, social gatherings that left me exhausted, and dates that weren’t suitable for me.

Start by setting boundaries 

Setting boundaries sounds difficult at first, but it is worth it in the long run. It might be challenging to rebel against giving the answer we feel people want because of guilt, shame, socialization, and fear of consequences. And on sometimes, we simply don’t want to disappoint folks!

On the surface, this seems good, yet resentment may be hidden beneath this kindness (sometimes even without our conscious awareness). People dislike martyrs. Saying yes when you secretly hate it is neither kind nor honorable. If someone simply said yes to me out of fear or selflessness, I would feel dreadful. Please be honest with me and give me your whole trust! 

When it would be in your best interest to decline, those who care about you want you to do so. In reality, as discussed in the sections below, there are unspoken advantages to saying no.

You can practice saying these words so you won’t say “yes-in-panic” when faced with an invitation to a terrible event, a committee, a date, or anything else you aren’t so sure you want to spend your limited, precious time on. You can also save and return to this page for the justifications for why creating these boundaries is not only appropriate, but also the kinder, clearer, and more socially responsible thing to do. 

Try saying “let me get back to you,” while you think about it.

You can make the claim that you’re going to check your calendar, and as a bonus, you can do so! In the end, though, you are not committing and then pulling out; rather, you are allowing yourself time to consider whether you really want to do anything. I’ve let folks down by bailing off far too often in my life. I used to think it was “nicer” to say yes to everything, but as the event drew nearer, I would scramble for any plausible justification to escape, attempting to maintain my appearance of being “kind” and “willing” while inadvertently unable.

Trusting that the person asking can manage your response, that they want an open discussion, and that they have your best interests in mind is really more kind. When I give myself time to ponder before making a decision, my life is lot easier. I can then respond with a genuine yes or no. This strategy is based on the idea that the inviter and the invitee are on an equal footing, and that both parties’ sentiments and time are valuable. The best way to respect another person’s sentiments is to believe they want and can handle honesty rather than denying your own feelings, being patronizing, or pretending you desire something you don’t.